The Cyclist's Anniversary Gifts

First - Paper this one is easy, get yourself online and order a gift voucher from his favourite cycling shop

Second - Cotton well, we all need a racing cap...and cotton they happen to be, make sure it matches his club strip

Third - Leather how about a new saddle or shoes, or if that's a bit steep some new trackmitts

Fourth - Lycra just make sure you know his size, some new shorts or arm warmers will always go down well

Fifth - Wood book him a taster session at Manchester or Newport velodrome

Sixth - Iron (steel) careful now, not too much steel left on bikes these days, try to get him a useful workshop tool

Seventh - Chromium tricky one, unless he's into vintage bikes, if not look out some nuts and bolts, Campag tracknuts are always nice

Eighth - Anodized anything anodised always looks 'trick'...bottle cages, QR skewers or seatpost clamps

Ninth - (pottery) Ceramic we can only think of ceramic ball bearings for his favourite wheel, if you can get these, he'll make you dinner for a week

Tenth - Aluminium the last few years have been difficult, so make it easy on yourself...check out his groupset and get him something new that's one model up on what he has today

Eleventh - Steel back to retro again, everyone should have a steel frame in their life, but that's much too expensive for 11th, so get him a new chain

Twelth - Silk if your man is into 'tubs' get him some silk tubs, they're not cheap, but they're special!!

Thirteenth - Base layers well it should be lace so this is the closest we could get. Get him a top under garment to wick away that pongy sweat...especially if he still uses cotton tee-shirts (has nobody told him yet?)

Fourteenth - Kevlar tyres, that's the only place to get kevlar...they'll stop him getting punctures, so he can get home in time for Sunday lunch 

Fifthteenth - Electronic it should be crystal but we all know (don't we?) that bike computers have tiny crystals in them...make sure it's a wireless one

Twentieth - Merino the modern, retro-ish, techno-not, natural wonder-fibre, that only the best clobber is made out of...it stops your hubby whiffing too

Twenty-fifth - Carbon it's a shame that legally you'd have to be at least 41 to qualify for this as a present, but that's no reason not to buy him something made of carbon-fibre, how about a carbon-fibre pump or Chris Boardman's first Lotus

Thirtieth - Titanium the thinking man's frame tubing of choice...or if he gets a broken collarbone...you could pay for him to go private to have a titanium plate screwed under the skin (the frame is cheaper)

Thirty-fifth - Cobblestone at 35 years married, he's going to be knocking on a bit now and be able to ramble on about the 'champions' of old...why not take him (or send him with a mate) to watch the Tour of Flanders or Paris-Roubaix, or even get him a ticket to ride the 'Sportive' version...you'll never hear the last of it

Fortieth - Rainbow he's at least 61 now (or if like me you got married at 42, he'll be 82)..and if he hasn't seen a world championship road-race yet, what better present could you buy?

Forty-fifth - Paint-job by now that man of yours will be looking a little chipped, dented, scratched and maybe rusty...and so will at least one of his bikes, get into the garage, strip down his t'rusty steed and get it off to be shot blasted...good for another 45 years

Fiftieth - GOLD just another excuse to see a great bike race, you've been married for half a century and need to put a little excitement into the old fella...go to the world track champs so he can keep warm and sit down all day, at this rate team GB will be winning all the Gold medals, maybe even the scratch race

Sixtieth - Diamonds you've been putting up with all this biking for so long, he hasn't even noticed you putting viagra into his energy drink...but now you should make sure he knows: it's payback time...the diamonds are for you get him to put all his bikes on eBay, he doesn't use them now, surely not??